1. Face Your Fears. Make a list of the major problems in your life, then list ways to improve or change them. They are never really as bad as you think they are. Chances are that not all of your problems can be dealt with easily or quickly because they might involve others. But unless you change, no one else will, so it is still your responsibility to confront or address your problems. There will be some areas where you can take immediate action. Start with those, because resolving the smaller irritations will give you the satisfaction, the reinforcement and the courage to move on to the bigger ones.
2. Live in the Present. There is nothing happening back there. That door is firmly closed now because the past exists only inside our heads. Nowhere else. There is no harm in remembering fond memories which make you feel good, but ditch the nasty ones. Past activities are already history and we cant change history. We can only appreciate it, reminisce on it, assess it, analyse it or celebrate it. We have to accept it and look to the future, especially if we value our lives. Welcome change, make it work for you, even if, initially, you cant see its value. The change is going to happen with or without you, so you might as well help to pioneer it and set the trend rather than be left behind like a fossil harking back to past ways which are definitely outmoded and will never return.
3. Reach Out to Others. Find the courage to really open your heart to someone. Self-confidence is strongly related to trusting others because our deepest secrets are often not as hidden to others as we may think. Because we share the same environment and experiences, there will always be common threads linking our lives with that of others and, while we are unique, we are no more special than our family or peers. It is this desire to be perfect, to put ourselves above others, or to put ourselves down that breeds self-shame and keeps us being distrustful. We forget that everyone around us is just as human as ourselves and is likely to share our innermost secrets.
4. Loosen Up. If you have ever had a near death experience, you will immediately appreciate the value of this statement. Once our lives are in grave danger, everything else pales into insignificance. Suddenly, things that used to matter become trivial as our priorities change. Dont take life or yourself too seriously. Let your hair down and enjoy yourself sometimes. Dont look like a failure by being morose and gloomy. There is always someone worse off than you are. Above all, people dislike those who have no humour the stiff, starchy, jobsworth types, and those who are constantly negative. That attitude achieves nothing and keeps you feeling low.
If you want to scatter a crowd fast, just call in some miserable people! You only have to think of someone you know who is disabled, very ill, deprived or even dead, and that should put your own life in perspective; to show you how fortunate you are. Problems make you stronger if you strive to overcome them. That is the whole point of your resolve being tested by your circumstances. In fact, to overcome hurdles and survive is the essence of life. If you cant laugh at yourself, you will always be unhappy, which will reduce the positive aura around you. It is a futile desire to control our situation or to feel superior which often ends up making us feel like idiots!
5. Learn to be Assertive. That is, learn to express your feelings, opinions, beliefs and needs directly, openly and honestly, while being sensitive to the rights of others. Know what you want and ask for it. Thats the only way your dreams will come true. Just because you wish to express yourself to your boss or partner about something that might be bothering you, or could be sensitive, does not mean it will be automatically unacceptable. As long as you remember that you have the right to express your feelings and others have the right to accept or reject them, you should go for it. Often it is a selfish desire to impose our own rights and demands on others, without accepting their rights in the situation or interfering with their privacy which negatively affects our self-esteem.
Saying No to unreasonable requests is also a very good start to building confidence. Often childhood conditioning prevents us from actually refusing what others want, regardless of its effect on us. Additionally, talking about our fears or any misunderstanding with others builds more confidence than living in an unspoken, isolated and accusatory fashion.
How HAPPY are YOU? Try our simple HAPPINESS QUIZ to test how you feel about yourself just now. Being unhappy robs you of opportunities and success. How do you REALLY feel now?
ELAINE SIHERA (http://www.myspace.com/elaineone) is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and lifestyle columnist. Confidential advice on personal/relationship issues is available on the quiz site. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a Personal Empowerment, Relationships and Diversity Consultant. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others (available on http://www.amazon.co.uk as well as her personal website). Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Men and Women of the Year Achievement Awards. She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous and Ready to Fly!"
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